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ASDF
ASDF Corporation has plans for the VAGINA Squad. Characters #Violet #Amy (minor) #Georgia #Ianthe #Nicole (minor) #Absinthe (minor) Transcript (The VAGINA Squad is enjoying a lazy Sunday.) Nicole: You know, it's nice that we get to rest our feet every once in a while. Violet: All those adventures we go on can be such a strain on the muscles. Ianthe: I'm going out to get pizza, any of you want some? All: YEAH! Ianthe: Sweet. I'll be back in a few. (Ianthe leaves.) Absinthe: Man, I want the pizza now. Amy: Me too... Georgia: Chill, guys. It's been like, what, 10 seconds since Ianthe left? Plus, the pizza place is only a few blocks away. (Absinthe gives a low grumble, then the power immediately shuts off.) Nicole: Damn it, what is it now?! (The computer flashes on with a blinding white light. The squad huddles around it.) Violet: Welp, we're possessed. I'll call an exorcist. ??? (from the computer): HELLO. IF YOU CAN HEAR THIS MESSAGE, PLEASE STAND BY. Nicole: What the hell... Absinthe: This is so freaky. ???: WELCOME. PLEASE SAY YOUR NAME. (They look at each other, then over to Nicole.) Nicole: Nicole! ???: HELLO, NICKEL. Nicole: Hey! ???: WELCOME TO THE VERY FIRST YEARLY TRANSMISSION OF THE ASDF CORPORATION COMPUTER BROADCAST. WE HAVE SELECTED YOUR COMPUTER AS OUR BEACON OF INFORMATION TO THE PLANET EARTH. IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, WE WILL SEND INFORMATION DOWN TO EARTH THAT NO OTHER HUMAN MAY HEAR ABOUT UNTIL CERTAIN CONDITIONS ARE MET?. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, NICOLE? (Y/N flashes on screen.) Nicole: Yes! ???: GREAT. LISTEN CLOSELY, AND MAKE SURE THAT NO OTHER HUMANS ARE SURROUNDING YOU. (All the other squad members are shown, huddled around Nicole.) ???: WE, ASDF CORPORATION, PLAN TO LAND ON EARTH FROM THE DISTANT GALAXY OF AKB-48. OUR JOURNEY TO YOUR PLANET BEGAN AS SOON AS WE STARTED NOTICING YOUR SPACECRAFT, CALLED "VOYAGER 1" BEGAN ORBITING OUT PLANET. WE WANT TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO THANK YOU FOR TAKING INTEREST IN OUR SPECIES. WHEN WE LAND ON EARTH, IF WE ARE MET WITH CIVILITY, WE WILL COME IN PEACE. IF WE ARE MET WITH HOSTILITY, WE WILL LEAVE. Nicole: Oh oka- ???: BUT ONLY AFTER DESTROYING HALF THE HUMAN RACE. Nicole: Um...why half the human race? ???: WE COULD ONLY SUSPECT THAT THE PEOPLE THAT WILL WELCOME US TO YOUR PLANET, WHICH INCLUDES YOU, NICKEL, (Nicole does a slight growl.) ???: WILL BE REPRESENTATIVES OF YOUR PLANET EARTH. IF YOU ARE TO ACT OUT OF LINE OR TREAT US POORLY, WE COULD ONLY ASSUME THAT THE REST OF THE HUMAN RACE ACTS THE SAME WAY. Nicole: Wait, why do you get to destroy the human race? It's not like you've been here for a while, who are you to judge? ???: YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE PLANET EARTH IS THE BEST THING IN THE GALAXY- Nicole: Hahaha, no. Planet Earth is a horrible place, actually. Pollution of oceans and the atmosphere, global warming, poverty, several animal species going extinct because HUMANS destroyed their habitat, this really isn't the best planet to invade. ???: OH. REALLY? Nicole: Yeah. ???: WELL, THAT'S DISAPPOINTING. I THINK IT MIGHT BE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO CLEAN IT UP... Nicole: Have you been carefully studying our planet or something? ???: YES. WE HAVE STUDIED EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF OUR PLANET, AND WE HAVE DATA THAT COULD REALLY HELP IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING RID OF MANY OF EARTH'S PROBLEMS. Nicole: ...Okay. We'll give you a chance. But, since we are a flawed species, don't expect the absolute greatest from us. If someone is a jerk to you, don't write them off as the example of the human race. ???: WE'LL SEE. Nicole: Sweet. ???: WE HAVE NO MORE TIME TO CHAT, NICKEL. Nicole: Neh-Coal! ???: NICOLE? Nicole: Yes, Nicole. ???: OKAY. BYE NICOLE. THANK YOU FOR BEING OUR BEACON. (The computer shuts off, and all the power returns to the city. Ianthe walks in.) Ianthe: Hey, everybody, got the pizza! What did I miss? Georgia: An alien taking over our computer broadcasting it's message telling Nicole and subsequently the rest of us that alien creatures are going to visit Earth in a manner of time so we better be prepared. (beat) Ianthe: Well okay then. Who wants pizza? All: WE DO! Category:Episodes Category:Dick Sticks